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Shaking, nervous, anxious, paranoid…
But my feelings matter, too. That is what my therapist has told me. I need to stop letting people’s opinions and thoughts rule my thinking.
Backstory: My sister got into contact with me a few days ago. Here’s her message:
so, I was going through my pictures, and realized I never finished your wedding pictures!!! wtf, I could have sworn I finished them all already. I think when I took my graphic design class and had to re install Photoshop I just completely forgot all about finishing. Kyle just brought home Photoshop from work, the one I had was a trial so I haven’t had PS for a while, but now that I have it again I can finish your pictures! Sorry, I will try and get them all done for you and I will make you a CD, do you want ALL the pictures I took? Or just the good ones and the ones I edit? Cause I took like 397345894735903 pictures….. lmao
I didn’t reply to her because I didn’t know what to make of the situation. She even sent me a friend request. And this was her next message:
just fyi, you do not have to accept my friend request, I sent it as a truce to agree to disagree on perspective. but if you don’t want any kind of truce I completely understand. no biggie, either way I will finish your wedding pictures. If I don’t hear from you I will just send them directly to you through the mail, rather than drafts via facebook.
Ok, now I see where this is going… This is her way of baiting me to feel guilty about waiting this out. This is her way of manipulating me into getting what she wants. I have always come back after she’s bitten me, and this time it’s VERY different… I kept waiting and got this message this morning:
ya know what… nevermind. If you really ever wanted your pictures, you would have asked for them.
Yep… The Kraken has been released and she got a full dose of what I had to say:
You know what. I was going to wait to talk to my therapist about what I should do because I’ve been deciding between biting your head off and staying quiet. But this just proves that if things don’t go the way you expected them to, you’re going to blow up anyways.
Yes, I want my pictures. Fernando and I were just thinking about it the day before you sent me your first message. I was thinking that since you got caught up in school that you’d get to them eventually. I mean, you did volunteer your services and I wasn’t going to pressure you into getting them all done in one day.
But I guess assuming makes an ass out of me and you.
Second of all, I’m still EXTREMELY hurt about what you said, even though it was well over 4 months ago.
You haven’t talked to me, you haven’t texted me, you haven’t called me, nothing. But then out of the blue I get a message that seems like you are laughing about what happened. Oh Dana, let’s just put it all in the past. It’s behind us now. Let’s call a truce.
And the fact that I’m not answering you and you’re getting angry about it means that it is a “biggie” to you.
I am still angry, I am still hurt. I cry about it at least once a week. I have even started going to therapy about it.
Because you have confirmed my worst fear of being rejected by my own family.
You say that I’m selfish and don’t care about you. You are DEAD WRONG. In fact, I feel that YOU don’t care about me because I never get a text or a call saying “hey let’s hang out!” And I’m not going to drop by your house unannounced because I know that if I catch you in a bad mood that you’ll be rather annoyed. I know I get annoyed if someone drops by unannounced and I’m not going to do that to someone else.
I have been doing some childhood memory searching about you and… quite honestly I don’t remember a single good time with you. I don’t remember a single positive thing you have said. Everything you have done to me makes me wonder why I kept getting excited to see you when you decided to visit.
Angie, you never included me in anything even though I wanted to be around you. When you got divorced and got with Kyle I was excited that you were back in town. I wanted to see you, I wanted to be with you because I missed you so much. And what do I get? I get to be the baby sitter while you and my oldest sister go out to bars and fun places. Even when Nikki told you to call me and tell me why I couldn’t come, I never got a phone call. I mean, I DID disrupt your fun night out! I never got to go with you anywhere. I wanted to go to Washington with you because I wanted to spend time with you. What did I get when I asked you? A glare and a snarl.
Then for once when I get happy for myself and feel like I can do something good for once, I’m called selfish because I would save 500 dollars for airfare to travel to Cali so I could become a better dancer instead of a family vacation. I’m told that I’m just like Mom and I get booted out of your life for four months.
But then I get told “Hey! Save up this money and join us for a cruise for our five year anniversary!” You’re giving me mix signals here, Angie. Do you want me back in your life or do you not? Because when one is chosen I expect to either be included or not.
I understand that you need time to cool off and calm down after something like April happened. But when you tell me that you don’t want to see me until I “care about YOUR goals, YOUR family, YOUR life”, which I DO and always HAVE by the way, I knew that ties were being cut.
You know that I need time to think about things, and something serious as this takes more than a week to think about. I was going to talk to my therapist to get an unbiased opinion, but you tipped it over and made me take action.
Vicki is a sister that I have always wanted. Because for once someone SUPPORTS ME OUTSIDE of family. Not that our family is that supportive anyways. My belly dance sisters support me in any decision I make to better myself as a dancer. I DESERVE to have something that makes me happy. I DESERVE to be more than just a mom and wife. My feelings are valuable and important. Fernando knows that this makes me happy and lets me do these things. He knows that we will have family time when and IF he ever gets a vacation.
So let’s have a little story about Amy and why I wanted to take from her so badly.
TRAMP 2012, Sunday April 15th, at 10 am that morning, we had a workshop called Ghostwork. Little did I know that it would change my life for the better. I cried in front of at least 30 people because I was reading aloud my paper. My “ghost” is Unsupportive. And when it reared it’s ugly head that day April 23rd, I knew that I had to face it. Unfortunately it’s face was YOURS. You made me think that Amy only said that to be nice, that it was really meant for the other girl and that she doesn’t care about me. Luckily I got into contact with Amy and she was extremely happy to talk to me.
So Angie, are you going to support me when I have supported you, even though you don’t think I have? Because if you’re not going to love me unconditionally (and YES this is conditional love if you’re going to toss me out of your life for a disagreement) just as I have for you through the bullying, the abandonment, the repercussions for accidentally embarrassing you?
Because if not, “no biggie”. I’m not going to let someone else’s opinion of me weigh me down any more. My feelings towards me are more important than yours.
I’m shaking and very nervous right now, but I have a right and DESERVE to be free of this kind of mindset. I DESERVE to be happy in my own way. I DESERVE to live my life the way I want to live it and not by someone else’s standards.
Everything I said was emotionally driven, but it wasn’t out of control like I can get. It was actual controlled anger. I haven’t ever controlled my anger before and… while it doesn’t feel as great as getting it all out, I feel better about myself. I feel a sense of higher self esteem and moral. I feel like a weight has been lifted just slightly that I can straighten my back.
I feel… free. It’s nice.